She asked, “aren’t you afraid to die alone?” Me, “uhhhh….”

The fear of dying alone is relatable. In my other business, as a psychotherapist, I support many people experiencing grief and loss, and those moving through end of life. Whether our own or someone we love, death is a very personal and profound experience we all face. 

But, here's what I was unprepared for as a childfree woman: the apparent pervasive belief that if you don't have kids of your own, that means you are destined to a dark and lonely end of life.  

Uh, what???

And yes, I experienced the question: “am I afraid of dying alone because I am childfree?” I'm going to bet you have, too. 

Here, it is the 21st century, with abundant access to relationships, knowledge, resources, and experiences, and still people assume you are destined to die alone if you don't have kids. 

I wonder, when people consider parenthood, how many put on their pros list: I will not die alone?

It seems a tremendous expectation to put on a baby human to be your go-to support for end of life someday, don't you think? 

Working as a hospice therapist in the early 2010s, I was surprised to realize how many people had cutoffs with parents, children, and siblings. Also, how often adult children were not able, willing, or motivated to be there for their parents at their end of life. Even if they did show up, so many brought in a lot of their pain, difficult patterns, old conflicts and unfinished business into the process causing strife and suffering. 

I was also deeply moved by witnessing families, friends, and communities coming together to support their loved one at the end, as well as each other. 

There are many variables on many fronts to one's desire or capacity to be there for someone in need, at any given time. 

What really stuck out to me, both personally and professionally, is in times of crisis and loss, those that seem to weather it best have rich and diverse bonds in intimate relationships and meaningful connections in their community. And having children is not a prerequisite for this to be a reality in one's life.

In witnessing and supporting clients and loved ones through the darkest moments of their lives, I noticed that those with some of the most powerful circles of support are often….

CHILDFREE WOMEN!

Are you surprised? 

Here's the thing, childfree women are liberated to spend a lot of their time nurturing relationships. In fact, they frequently carry a disproportionate amount of the emotional labor in their family of origins, friendships, professional settings, communities, and beyond, all while being branded as selfish, missing out, and worse, by the culture at large. 

Childfree women are also liberated to nurture themselves, which increases their capacity for healthy relationships. 

Since the humbling experience of breaking my leg on June 30th, I've been blown away with the love and care I have received from my partner, family, chosen family, friends, neighbors, and community. It chokes me up to think about it.

 A week ago, my dear friends Misty and Todd, who are also childfree, flew up to be with us to celebrate her 50th and my 48th birthday. They bought those tickets 2 days after my accident, giving me something profoundly exciting to look forward to in some dark days. We ate good food, laughed, watched Bob Ross videos, and laid around in the park. It was glorious and a boon to our spirits after a long, hard month. It wouldn't even occur to me to ask for this visit, they just knew we needed it and made it happen.

Childfree women are empowered to invest in loving and supportive relationships, celebrating all that this life has to offer, and showing up in powerful ways when life kicks someone they love to the curb (literally and figuratively). 

To prioritize fulfilling relationships in life, it's a good exercise to reflect regularly on who are the core figures in your circle of supports and how you are nurturing and being nurtured in those relationships. 

Here are some journal prompts to get you started:

-Who are the core members of my circle of supports?

-What are their gifts, strengths, and contributions?

-What are my gifts, strengths, and contributions?

-Do I have any needs or relationships for my circle of supports I need to nurture or fill?

-Are there ways I would like to prioritize investing in these relationships over the next month?

Life is always better when shared with loved ones, in the highs, the lows, and in the mundane. 

There are no guarantees in life or death. But, living it with love in relationship to others makes both worth the price of admission.

If you are interested in building community with other childfree women, join my newsletter list for upcoming opportunities to connect. 

 In solidarity,

Annie