Why is Daring to Dream Essential (Part 3)
Welcome back for part 3 in the “Why Daring to Dream is Essential” series.
Here are links to Part 1 and Part 2.
Sometimes, the source of our pain or discomfort is obscured and even promoted by our culture.
By nature, we notice what everyone else seems to be doing, and consciously or unconsciously, we are drawn to do something similar, even if it’s not in alignment with our dreams and desires.
We are most prone to follow the pack when we haven’t spent time exploring what truly lights us up.
Here’s an example of what this might look like:
You get the message early on that going to college is the way to success. You aren’t sure what success means to you yet, but you head off to college anyway and fund it with school loans.
Four years later, you still aren’t sure what direction you want to take in your life or career, but you need to find a new place to live, and those student loans are coming due.
It’s time to hit the job market.
You are stunned to find that your first job doesn’t make you much, and the benefits suck.
As you scroll through social media, you notice pictures of meals at great restaurants, drinks out with friends, weekend getaways, stylish clothes, fun adventures, and so many desirable things. They look really happy! You want to be happy, too.
So now you are working hard and playing hard, trying to keep up.
Eventually, a new job opportunity comes your way! It’s a substantial pay increase. Good news because the high-interest bills are adding up, and you don’t yet have any FU Money (I’ll talk about this more soon, but for now, think of it as an empowered safety net). You sigh with relief and the sense that you are on your way to building the life you’re supposed to create.
The new job has some decent benefits, but it’s salaried, and you realize this is a demanding position with high expectations. You work 50 hours a week, often more, to keep up.
It’s also a 45-minute drive from home, and with all that debt you’ve accrued, you can’t afford to get a place to live nearby. You figure, no problem, I’ll listen to podcasts on the drive; I got this!
Over the next two years, you clock 720+ hours on the commute. Almost 8 hours of your life each week are spent alone in your car.
You arrive at work feeling over-stimulated from sitting in morning traffic and the 2 cups of strong coffee to get you through it.
By the time you get home at night, you’re exhausted, so you get take-out and plop down in front of a screen for the rest of the night, where once again, you are exposed to all the signals that this is what it looks like to do well and more is better.
A creeping anxiety comes on and takes hold.
You wonder, what’s wrong? I have a great job, and I’m successful at it. I have an apartment in a good neighborhood, filled with things that make my life “better and easier.” I have a good car, cute clothes, and good friends I’ll eventually catch up with, and I’m taking a fancy vacation this year. I made it!
Why don’t I feel good?
You start to notice your mood is down, your body doesn’t feel good, you never get to the projects you’ve been hoping to work on or create, and you hardly see your friends and family. When you get to the weekend, you need to take care of all your adulting responsibilities, and there’s little time left for fun or connection.
You are feeling lost, overwhelmed and confused.
→ So, you make a plan to treat these issues (the symptoms). You join a gym and start getting up at 5AM to get your workout in. Great! Your body is feeling better, but you’re still tired and anxious.
→ So, you buy a fancier car because if you sit in it for so many hours, you might as well have one you enjoy that has all the bells and whistles…perfect surround sound for all those podcasts. But, holy shit, the payments! You’ll need a raise to cover them, so you start putting more effort and longer hours in at work. (anxiety creeps up…)
→ So, you decide you better make time for friends to have fun and start scheduling dinner dates. You have to rush to get there in traffic because you are working late for that raise to cover the cost of the car payments. You feel even more spun out, anxious, and exhausted when you get there. You order a stiff drink to ease your nerves so you can enjoy this time with your friend. You order another. You pay the bill…shit, it’s a lot! You think about working for that raise, and your anxiety goes up while you drive home from your dinner date with your friend. You struggle to sleep because of the stress and the alcohol. 4 hours later, the alarm goes off; it’s time to go to the gym.
→ So, you decide you need to get away. You schedule a quick 4-day trip and put it on the credit card because you deserve it after working so hard. You work even longer hours to clear your plate and pack in the middle of the night to catch your early flight. You arrive exhausted. You come down with a cold during your trip and return home more depleted.
And, on and on it goes when we treat the symptoms. Sometimes, our approaches seem healthy, like going to the gym at 5AM to exercise or taking a trip. In isolation, that seems like a great choice, but in the context of the larger picture, this is a band-aid on a gaping wound.
Along my journey as a therapist, consultant, and coach, I noticed a trend that influenced my clients’ outcomes. When they came in with the goal to remove something causing them suffering, their motivation for the healing journey was high, momentarily, and then quickly evaporated when the challenging work of change became apparent. Which usually starts with identifying what the source of the suffering actually is and how it came to be.
Such as the goal of alleviating anxiety and general malaise with life.
It usually sounds like this: “Please, can you help my anxiety go away with your magic skills. I’ve done all these things to make it stop. It’s ruining my life.”
Realizing that goals to remove suffering do not motivate the ongoing efforts required for change, I asked my clients what they dreamed and desired for their lives instead.
And, wow, just wow, what I have learned has inspired and amazed me.
I have heard powerful, wholehearted dreams that barely resembled the life the person before me was living.
I witnessed the shock when my clients saw the disparity between their current life and their buried authentic dreams.
I experienced many clients struggling to imagine at all. Much of their life energy focused on surviving or keeping up with hustle culture. They never had the capacity or luxury to connect with their wholehearted hopes for their life.
Other clients reported no one had ever asked about their dreams and desires.
Some told me it wasn’t safe to dream. To dream was to risk disappointment and more suffering.
Their survival strategy was to work with the struggles they were familiar with navigating rather than risk a new kind of suffering that could come from the unknown.
When we started with dreaming…soulful, authentic dreaming…something compelling and exciting emerged once we moved through the initial hurdles.
A dream so embodied and desirable that the challenges of change and healing became manageable and motivating.
When someone shares the juicy details of their soulful dream life, there is a palpable energy in the space. You can feel it coming true. The more detail and texture you bring into the dream, the more motivation you create for it.
The dream becomes compelling.
It’s magnetic!
Once that energy is present, the steps forward come into view, and even the hard ones feel more manageable.
What’s your dream? Are you ready to Dare to Dream it into reality?
Join me this January for a small, intimate group experience for childfree women where we will support and inspire you as you dream your Delightfully Free life into existence.
You can find all the details about the Dare to Dream 6-Week Group Offering here.
If you have any questions or would like to jump on a Zoom with me to explore joining this offering, you can schedule a time with me here.
Much love and solidarity!
Annie
